WHO ARE YOU LISTENING TO?

My sheep hear my  voice,and I know them, and they shall follow me.   John 14:27

 I just hate it when I'm talking to someone and they ignore me. Whenever I'm saying something and the person I'm speaking to is not paying attention I speak louder as if they didn't hear me. My ego tells me my words are important and they need to hear what I'm saying. I get annoyed and frustrated and will not take being ignored lightly. Sometimes I will go to great lengths to get my point across. It doesn't always produce good fruit.

So why do I become surprised when I'm trying to do right by God's ways and follow His voice that the enemy's voice becomes louder and annoying? Trying to stay positive and forgive and love as Christ calls us to and those negative reminders of the flesh shouts accusatory daggers. The enemy could be voices in your head, people in your path or the real enemy, Satan.

Just the other day I tried to enjoy a beautiful day. The voices in my head were reminding me of negative comments made in the past. Feelings of anger and injustice were surfacing and controlling my emotions. “Wait a minute”, I thought, I was reminded of Galatians 5:22-23,” But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control”. Hmmm doesn't say anger, bitterness or self pity. No those spirits produce rotten fruit. I recognized immediately which spirit was taking control over my life.

So I spent time in prayer. Praying and forgiving those who hurt me and asking God to bless their day. To overlook the faults of others as well as my own. God never said it would be easy to follow Him, but He does provide a way out of those tempting negative thoughts. In fact when I do it God's way, verses Ellen's way, oh the peace and joy that surfaces is glorious. “Father, please forgive those who have wronged me and forgive me for those whom I have wronged. Help me to be a shining light in a darkened world. Let me produce the type of fruit that is pleasing to you. Help me to overlook the sting of words and to put up the “Shield” so the enemy's taunts will not harm me. Thank you for loving me so much that when I stray You send comfort and words through the Holy Spirit to bring me back on track.”  

Overcoming Loneliness

Have you ever been one of the kids who stood on the side lines during recess while everyone buddied up on the play ground? I have. There I stood wishing I didn't have CMT,  (Charcot Marie Tooth ), and I was normal. How I prayed a friend would come along side me and ask if I wanted to play. I cried to my teacher and she said , “I bet if you ask someone they will let you play”. So I took the risk and feared rejection. I asked some if they wanted to play and they either ignored me or said no. With my head bowed down and dejected, I walked away feeling like the biggest looser ever. Than I saw a playmate sitting by herself eating lunch. I approached her and asked if I could sit with her. She lifted her head up with the biggest smile and quickly we become the best of friends during the rest of the school year.

Fast forward into adulthood. Life has changed and I find myself at a lost for purpose. Loneliness overtakes me like a blood sucking leach. Looking for friends is as frustrating as shopping for shoes. Oh don't even get me started in trying to find the right shoe that I can wear with my AFO's, walk comfortably in and are some what stylish. I used to go to a variety of stores and look to no avail. Finally settling on a plain black sneaker that many of the waiters wore at the event I attended.

My CMT has progressed to the point where I need help getting in and out of the car. I can't walk long distances and use a walker around my house. In order for me to go places I need someone to help me. Those that are closest to me have a difficult time watching me struggle so they are unable to give me the support I need.. Life has  become way to busy with work and family that although others mean well it's just not in their agenda to visit as often as they would like.

So like shopping for shoes I've tried shopping for friends. I attend a few bible study groups and  enjoy the groups and love the people.  I do have one friend who blesses me with lunch and shopping once a month. But the other days in the month can get lonely. This is what I have found to be helpful in my quest to overcome loneliness. 

Just like the friend who was sitting by herself at lunchtime when I was younger I need to look for people who need a friend like me. Someone who's social calendar isn't penciled in with events.

I look for ways to  help. I hate that others see me as needy. The other day I visited with my niece who works two jobs. Her kids were off from school and I had my grand daughter with me. I sat outside with the children and watched them while my niece was able to get some much needed work done around the house. I loved watching the kids have fun and I even received lots of hugs.

Select what you want to see on Facebook. This one is my biggest challenge. It hurts to see pictures of others getting together for fun. I delete or hide the pictures and posts. I used to make comments on how  I would have loved to be included and it never went well. Its better to just hit delete.

I change what I can.  About a year ago I started a CMT FB page called, CMT Fellowship, with another CMTer, Mark. This keeps me busy praying for those in need and responding to some of the posts they share.

And like shopping for shoes, I'm not giving up until I find what I'm looking for. I want a friend who isn't crushed with family, work and a busy agenda. Someone who I can be comfortable with,  accepts me for who I am and one who can have fun being around me. I continue to seek out different support networks through church and other areas. I don't wait for others to give me an invite but I request their e-mail and phone number and try and stay in touch between groups. Starting out small and see who responds will help build a bridge. I am also looking to start a CMT support group  in my area.

If your struggling today with loneliness I pray some of the ideas that are working for me would work for you as well.  I think of the the verse in Proverbs 18:24 “A man that has friends must show himself friendly, and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother”. Oh one last thought, as much as I want to complain I must bring joy to the table not negativity.  Happy Shopping.

Pack The Halls With lots Of Folly

Have you ever felt like you were the object of a big pin ball game? In fact bouncing from side to side would best describe my shopping experience on Black Friday afternoon. I was going shopping with my future daughter in law, Sara, who was running late. I saw an attendant pass my car with an electronic cart so I asked if he would bring it to me and he did. I proceeded to go into the store and do some shopping. While waiting for Sara to arrive I went into the men's department to shop. The aisles were so narrow with the clothing racks all close together. I had to maneuver the cart  several times,  I went forward, hit a clothing rack then back up to bump off another rack, repeat, turn wheels, hit a rack, repeat again. Each time I bounced off the racks like a pin ball off a bumper. It's like a Humvee trying to fit into a parking spot designed for a Honda. I finally was able to turn the cart and started down an aisle when the wheel of the cart caught onto one of the clothing racks dragging it behind me. I had to rearrange the men's department just to to turn around. Released from the snares of the devilish racks I moved forward to get out. As I approached the end of the aisle I saw it was closed off and packed with foolish sale items offered on Black Friday. “You've got to be kidding”, I stated out loud. You guessed it, I had to back up and try all over again to turn the cart so I could be free of this nightmare. Backing up, I banged into a rack causing me and the cart to jolt. One man near by started laughing. Most people just looked the other way. I'm sure if someone video taped this and posted on You Tube it would bring much laughter to those watching. I was so exhausted and flustered by this time. I worked up a sweat and had to use the restroom. I found Sara and told her I needed to use the facility. So both of us proceeded to go into the woman’s room. Unfortunately this experience was worse. I was unable to even get into the restroom they have a small hallway and the cart is way too big to fit. I had to back out of the bathroom and into a maintenance closet so that I can try and turn the cart. I had to physically get out of the cart where Sara and I had to pull it manually to straighten it out. With my legs crossed, I kept praying I wouldn't fall or loose control of my bladder. Sara is saying “Mom be careful, what are you doing? Get back in there and let me pull it.” She's just a tiny little thing and I could not see her being able to pull the cart with my butt in it. Between the both of us we were able to get out of that predicament. Once again others are standing near by but no one offered to help, there weren't any store clerks around either . During this whole experience the only person who showed any sympathy was a little girl shopping with her baby brother. I was backing out of the aisle and hit the shelving unit. She comes running over, “ Are you OK?" she asks. Her parents should be very proud of her. I know I was. I wanted to give her a big hug but instead made it a point of telling her how kind she was to ask. Having worked up an appetite and still needing to use the restroom we left there and went to a near by restaurant.

I decided to write a letter, sharing of my horrible experience, to the guest relations department for that store. I received a reply stating that they were very sorry for my experience but they meet the requirements for the ADA (American Disability Act) and in the future if I have any problems they have Redbox telephones to use to call somebody and they can come and help me. Well while I'm stuck in the men's department there is no red phone for me to have access to nor do they have red phone's in the woman’s restroom . I then called customer relations in the corporate office and explained my situation to them. I'm not looking to cause trouble or report them to ADA but look into the situation and find solutions. They need smaller carts, instead of the Cadillac version expected to fit into the narrow aisles. I also suggested to make the restrooms more handicapped accessible where buttons could be installed on the outside of the doors enabling them to open automatically. Once again I received,  "Thank you for your response. We are sorry for what you went through. We really do care what our customers think. I will pass this information on to our corporate office". Unfortunately I don't think that anything will change.  This store is one of the few stores that offer the electronic carts plus they have the automatic door opener to get into the store. The way it is now I'm like hurricane run wild. Shoppers beware!

Psalm 40:1-3

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me. He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me up out of the pit of despair out of the muck and the mire and set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.”

I went canoeing, a few years back, at a local state park in South West Florida . I was with two other people when our canoe tipped over. The others were able to wade through the water and onto the shore. I proceeded to follow the others. However, with my leg braces on covered by pants, a vacuum of water got in between my legs and braces. It caused my feet to sink into the mud beneath the surface. I couldn't lift my feet. The water was waste deep but my feet were sinking. I cried out for help. While waiting for someone to come get me, I looked up to read a sign saying swimming was prohibited due to alligators in water. “Oh great if I don't drown I'll  get eaten by alligators”, I thought. Finally two men jumped out of their canoes and one by one they lifted my feet out of the mud and I was carried onto dry land.

Today I find myself stuck once again. This time emotionally. I don't know what my purpose in life is. I take a few steps in a direction I would like to pursue only to find myself stuck and sinking. I mentioned previously in my blogs the importance of support. My husband is going through his own stress and so we do not do many things together. Just this past weekend a few family members got together for a fun event and I was excluded as they knew physically it would be difficult for me. My son and his family are a blessing and they never make me feel like a burden. However, with their work and school,  I might see them once a week. I have asked friends to meet for coffee and we have to set it up like months in advance as their lives are so busy. I meet two times a week for fellowship at bible studies and do enjoy my time there. But other than a few a hours a week I spend most of my time home, alone. I have now reached out to a total stranger and will be exploring a prayer ministry in hopes of finding some sense of purpose in my life. I am reminded of my experience of sinking into the mud and asking for help. Remember that sign of alligators being present? Unfortunately, as we try and explore ways to get out of the pit of despair, the enemy will look for ways to stop us. But God always wins. I am learning to reach out to positive people who will support me. I'm excited to see where my life is going once I get my feet back on solid ground. I will keep you posted.

“But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit” Jeremiah 17:7-8

Several years back ,my mother had a young palm tree growing wild in her yard. I was a single mom at the time and my yard consisted of weeds and a few shrubs. I asked my mom if I could have the tree. Upon her approval I dug it up and planted the palm in my front yard. I watered it immediately. I was so excited to have this tree grow into a majestic beauty. Every night I went outside dousing it with water. That worked well for a few months but after awhile it didn't look like it was growing. A friend from church, a landscaper by trade, came by to help with a repair. I asked him about the palm tree and how much I should water it, he told me they didn't require a lot of water. He continued, “The more you water the weaker it becomes. When the tree is dry the roots grow down into the natural spring beneath the earth looking for water. If you continuously water it the roots will stay near the top. When the roots grow deep it makes the tree stronger and it weathers the storms.” A few months later a friend was going to throw out a sprouted palm growing wild out of a coconut. I took that home too and planted it near the first palm. I made sure I didn't over water.
What I love about the above verse in Jeremiah and the palm tree experience is how God works in ways we do not understand. Like a tree's roots growing under the earth, we cannot see what God is doing. Eventually, we might see the results or the fruit of His plan. For the past three years my ministry in bearing fruit seemed to be over. I had one injury after another and felt the ravages of the storms of life. I would sit outside and watch the squirrels play and the lizards leap. At out Bible study group we were challenged to spread the word of God. To be disciples of Christ. I mentioned to my fellow Christians, how the only witness I get to give is to the squirrels and lizards. Although we had a laugh it really was disturbing. On the way home I said, “OK Lord, what do you want from me. Let me produce fruit for your glory”.
Shortly after I was on an internet chat room with other CMTers. Someone quoted a few bible verses and caused a stir in the secular group. The scripture verses were deleted from the page and the bible quoter resigned from the group. It really disturbed me. I contacted the administrator of the page and explained how someone posting “What type of shoe helps you” to “What bible verse gives you hope” should be one and the same. After all are we not doing this to help encourage one another?” After a few conversations, and her helpful advise, shortly after Easter weekend of 2014 our CMT Fellowship page was born. We are now over 75 members and it is a great place to share our experience, hopes, prayers, inspirations and Bible verses. I than continued to spread the word of hope through this blog. Just this last month for the first time in 50 years I shared my story and faith in having CMT.

I didn't see all God was doing to prepare the way. I felt at times barren and forsaken. However, I didn't give up and just kept pushing deeper. I allowed my roots to grow deep into my faith and found the spring of living water. That palm tree that grew out of a coconut, well it grew into a majestic beauty and gave off numerous coconuts. Both trees continue to grow through the droughts, heat and storms. I too am growing stronger in my faith during this difficult time in m life. I know more fruit will be produced as long as I remain in our Lord. (Romans 15:5).

Healing From The Hand Of Friendship

After sharing about my experience with how my whining has caused uncertainty with others I want to share of the ones who have stood by me in this battle. There's a story in Exodus about the Israelites fighting to conquer the land God promised them. As long as Moses held up his arms the Israelite were winning. As soon as He let his arms down they were pounded on by the enemy. So Moses brother, Aaron, and his friend, Hur, got a rock for Moses to sit on and then on each side of Moses they stood and held his arms up. (Exodus 17:12). The battle was won and they went into the land to conquer it. Like I stated previously God is all about relationships. He could of given victory to the Iraealites without Aaron, Hur or Moses. God chose to make a point in that we need each other in order to conquer the battle.  We need to put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:13) and  pray for each other without stopping (18). I love that, for some, praying for me has become an action, not just words. To all my friends who have treated me to lunch, coffee, parks, and visits, your time was as healing to me as Aaron and Hur were to Moses. To be accepted, the good, the bad and the ugly is a gift.

Life is busy for many. In today's economy just about everyone has to work. Those who don't are usually busy caring for children, grandchildren or family members. Today's mom's and dad's  feel exhausted in taxiing their loved ones to sporting events, doctor's, dentists ect. Those who retire are now active in ministries at church. We live in a needy society. I don't like adding to that need. If I had a choice I would rather give 100% than be on the receiving end. It has been humbling and lonely. Yet when one of my friends anoint me with their hand of friendship I am so elated. A few weeks back a busy friend called and invited me to dinner. She had a free evening and we went for pizza. What a fun time. We laughed, complained and prayed. It was soothing lotion on a chapped heart. Other friends invited me for coffee, another joyful experience. For me they are being Jesus with skin on.

Don't mistake someone being married as not being lonely. When I was a single mom many friends from church were there in my times of need. I believe the deceit we tell ourselves is that she has a husband or her children live near by. Let the Holy Spirit speak into your heart.  There have been times when our fridge has been empty and I would receive a “word” from someone who believed God wanted them to tell me something. I already know what God's word says.  I am forever grateful to the great group of friends who have given  food, money and treated me to adventures.  In my mind they are the true disciples of Christ. You guys who are my Aaron and Hur have been my encourager to write. Your validation has prompted me to share my story in hopes of teaching what it is like to be one of His chosen ones in need.

With the love and support of family and friends many hurting people overcame their hardships and shined brightly for our Lord. God does not expect us to go through our battles alone. He created us  for fellowship.  “How good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity! It is like precious oil poured on the head, running down on the beard, running down on Aaron's beard, down on the collar of his robe. It is as if the dew of Hermon were falling on Mount Zion. For there the LORD bestows his blessing, even life forevermore. Psalm 133:1-3” Simply put it is an anointing.

Thanks to those who gave through my story, we have collected $200.00 to go towards a cure for CMT. Because of your generosity the path may not be as long before a cure can be found. If anyone gave and I have not contacted you by Private Message would you contact me at, ellene55@embarqmail.com     and allow me to send you a thank you. I do appreciate everyone's comments, prayers and support. My son,  Joel will give a tally of what was raised through the shark tournament. Hugs You can still give if you feel led to at http://www.cmtausa.org/url/sharkchallenge or to the MDA http://www2.mda.org/goto/CMTChallenge